My first attempt at a broach

It obviously needs some work but I'm going to try a few different methods tonight. I'm terrible at following directions so I can never use patterns or anything.

Fact: blogging makes me feel better

I have had a rare two days off of work and finally feel recharged and ready to conquer ANYTHING. The fact that I have to return to work tomorrow, thus draining all of that reserve energy I was able to retain over the weekend, is a rather depressing fact.
Here's some more facts for you:

FACT: My sister finally had THE falling out with our mother, after all of these years. She had to get a restraining order against her, which is a long bloody dramatic story that I'll skip for the time being.

FACT: Billiam has finally pulled out of the oppressive depression that had him in it's grips for nearly a year now. He was becoming nearly impossible to live with. Walking into my house was like walking into the darkest most hidden away chamber of doom. I'm not exaggerating...okay, maybe just a little. That is not to say that he and I fought often. I was too busy tiptoeing around the moody beast to say anything that could seem even remotely judgemental. I wanted to avoid conflict at all cost. However, his gloom and doom attitude affected everyone in the house, from my dad to the dumbest dog of the bunch. He's feeling better now, though, for almost a week now. He's been playing music again (he's got some songs up on myspace, if you'd like the link shoot me an email), we even *gasp* made love once this month. I can only hope he remains as easy going for a bit longer.

FACT: During a routine vet check up on Thursday we discovered that True (the best damned dog that ever lived and I will fist fight anyone that says differently) has heartworms. What sucks about that is we had her tested less than a year ago and have been using preventative medicine. Apparently, that doesn't always safeguard them. So, we will be spending an ungodly amount of money next week to get her cured. We aren't sure if the other three pups have it. Three and Four have appointments coming up so they can be check and treated if necessary. Dingo, however, has a very strong aversion to strangers, especially strangers with needles that want to lock her up in a tiny pen. The vet's office is definately out of the question for her. We are going to have to just pony up the dough to have her treated even though she might not have it because we can't take my hundred plus pound growling drooling dog in to terrorize the vet. Oy vay.

FACT: Within the next three months I will finish up my training for a manager position with mega-super-entertainment store and I will have to go in front of a review board. The review board consists of an entire day (nearly 8 hours) sitting in front of other store managers, district managers, and corporate a-holes while they grill me, judge me, and generally pick apart my person. Here's my problem with that....wait, EVERYTHING about that is a problem for me. Hello? Remember, this is introverted to the point of nearly debilitating not even a year ago Betty we're talking about here. This job has helped boost my confidence and helped me take charge of my own life...but has it fully prepared me for the rigor morale of a review board akin to the type parolees go before? I don't know.

FACT: IF I do pass the review board, I then must be placed in a store. For some time I was hoping that the powers that be would recognise the huge impact I've made on our little store and just give it to me. Our sales have been up nearly 30% since I became assistant manager last summer. You can actually SEE the incline on a chart when you review the financial reports. This has garnered not one but TWO emails from the president of the company to congratulate us as well as a personal phone call. Yowza. Unfortunately when I say "us" I mean myself and boss lady who does jack shit around the store. The prez congratulated me on our sales and said that I must have really gotten boss lady on board. So, they are obviously not recognizing the impact I have made.

FACT: If I get past all of that it leads to one very obvious outcome: I will be transferred. If they are not going to give me the store that I am at, the closest one is an hour away and very safely managed by a BFF of the whole damned company. They are talking about transferring me anywhere from TN to WA. This is terrifying for me....and yet a part of me thinks it might be for the best. Billiam has already expressed concerns with a move; he more than likely will not go with me. My dad is in the same boat. It would just be Ani and I for the first time ever. I think I could learn to like that. I think we could do well. Or else I'd be an utter and total dismal failure and come home with my head hung in shame. *sigh* There's always that "or else" or "but" in there, isn't there?

Fact: I have spent all morning (my day off) in my pajamas, making shitty art, listening to Townes Van Zandt, and most generally enjoying myself. I hid away in the bedroom for a brief tete with this here computer and my lovely blog. More to come! Soon!

bbbbback in bllllack

Dear Blogisphere:

I've been a bad, bad blogger. Beyond bad...my poor precious blog has been almost dead. There's many reasons for this but I can narrow it down to just two and keep it simple:

REASON #1 why I can't express myself to impartial readers and get my emotions out instead of continually repressing them:

I work oh about 60 hours a week. This is no joke. Up until this week, we were required to work 6 days a week. They've got something there though, with the whole slave labor idea. Now that I get two days off a week it feels like a friggin' vacation.

Reason #2 why I don't write here as much as I once did:

I have a very old man and a very young girl who are computer addicts. The old man (meaning my father who came to live with me last fall) is the worst. He's on it from the moment he wakes up until I come home from my ten/twelve hour day. At that point he generally feels some twinge of remorse for having spent the entire day chatting with "sexy" avatars rather than cleaning the house or hunting for a job. And any time I want to get on here? They are BOTH standing there, right behind me, watching everything I do. Seriously. The only reason I can write this now is because it's 6 in the morning. How can I post my feelings to my semi-secret blog with the people I want to post about reading over my shoulder??


This is no excuse. Well, it is, but it shouldn't deter me. No more! I declare an un-hiatus!

I have only a few brief moments every day that I can spend, in privacy, and I will utilize those to blog (even though I hate that word). This is my resolution, although I promised not to have resolutions this year. Okay, so I'm breaking my non-resolution alreayd (sad, huh) but I promise to post at least once a week. You can look for that. If you even know I am here still. I feel like I'm posting the text equivilant of when someone jumps up and down, waving their hands around while they scream 'is anyone out there? can you hear me?'.

What sparked all of this? I received notice that one of my posts was going to be featured on BlogNash.



I had nearly forgotten that I was contacted about it being used. You can go here to read it.

And there will be more to come, I promise. But for right now - I gotta rush off to work, another ten hour day, and all of the tiny frustrations and decision making skills that it usually brings with it.

kiss it, 2009

1) Was 2009 a good year for you? I got promoted, got to be in a few books, celebrated two years with billiam, got a new camera, dropped & broke before mentioned camera, collected more books, lost contact with more people, road-tripped with my best road trip buddy, rode four wheelers, flew kites, adopted THREE friggin' dogs. So it was ...just a year. Not awful, not great. Can't complain, can't brag.


2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
listening to the Avett Brothers from the floor in the "ladies" room where I was puking my guts out. ha.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
there were many small moments that make my head hurt to even think of them. so I won't.

4) Where were you when 2009 began?
sitting on my couch in the living room in a puddle of cat pee because Edison decided to pee on me as we all toasted with champagne glasses.


5) Who were you with?
billiam, Justin, Daniel, and Dana, me thinks....

6) Where will you be when 2009 ends?
I'm not sure yet. Home probably, getting drink with the boy. I have to work early the next morning ....boo.

7) Who will you be with when 2009 ends?
the boy, the dogs, the kiddo

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009?
it was: to not have a resolution. This is my gift to myself every year.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2010?
I resolve to have the same resolution as last year: none. I don't think I'm perfect, I'm just a realist. This is about as good as I get haha.


10) Did you fall in love in 2009?
nope.

11) If yes, with who? Abe Lincoln!!

12) If yes, do they know?
oh, I bet he does. wherever he is...with Elvis in a spaceship in outer space or whatever.

13) Are you still in love with them?
always. he was the pioneer bearded depressed celebrity heart throb.

14) You regret it?
nope.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2009?
not really.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2009?
I haven't met many new people. my social life is reduced to online surveys and cyber farming.

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
all of you. each and every one. awww. don't you feel special?

18) What was your favorite month of 2009?
last spring was wonderful, but I couldn't possibly tell you why

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2009?
no but I will this year. I'm saving up dinero for it.

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2009?
Texas, Georgia, Tennessee

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2009?
nobody had kids with my ex-boyfriend, nobody cheated on me or stole from me or hurt me - I haven't had any traumatic friendship or family experiences. yay!

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
many many people. liz and brittany most of all!


23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009?
the hangover was pretty much awesome.


24) What was your favorite song from 2009?
I have listened to the avett brothers pretty much on repeat for the past six months. and marty robbins.

25) What was your favorite record from 2009?
I illegally download


26) How many concerts did you see in 2009?
a dozen or more


27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2009?
Those Darlins were pretty great live!

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2009?
not as much as I did in 2008 or 2007....or any of the five years prior to that. I'm slowing down in my old age.

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2009?
nope

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2009?
I sleep with four furry loving dogs every night

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
nah. no use in shame.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2009?
hows about "I'm on your side"?? or "no I can't tell you've gained weight!"

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2009?
yes. that's an unfortunate side affect of being an occasional asshole.


35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2009?
yup and I retaliated. now we're even. <--- this actually isn't true for this year. but I'm going to leave this up as an answer because there's still a day and a half to go in '09

36) How much money did you spend in 2009?
all of it.


37) What was your proudest moment of 200?
my job has made me proud. it has equally made me want to rip all of my hair out

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009?
puking all over myself at a concert was high up there! but I'm kind of the queen of that - I'm constantly slamming the door on my hand, walking into walls, stuttering, etc.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be?
why waste time wishing I could change things? Okay, saying I could I would have said "yes" when I was asked to go with him; I would have said "no" when asked if I was happy instead of lying through my teeth; not taking more chances.

40) What are your plans for 2010?
the world's wide open, baby. Meaning: I ain't got a fucking clue. As usual.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

to chevon, with love.

About nine years ago, I moved to Virginia with a teeny baby Ani and Ryan. It was his first military posting. I was excited to be able to stay at home with Ani while Ryan worked, to set up our first real home together, to get my new family started. What I wasn't prepared for was the utter homesickness that would sweep through me as I spent day after day couped up in our house, too shy and socially inept to go out and make friends with all of the other military mothers.

Then, after six months of being in Virginia and becoming steadily more isolated, Ryan and I bought a computer. Within a few weeks, I had discovered mommy chat boards and set up a parenting web-site of my own, "Proud Young Mommies". On this chat board, I met dozens of other moms who were like me - I met other young, scared to a certain extent about the task ahead of them raising their young babies, and needing a friend just as much as I did; I met other mommies that had already raised several kids and were full of advice, humorous anecdotes, and supportive; I met girls that would soon become my friends. We were there every morning to drink our coffee and laugh together. We were there every night for one last reassuring word or random story about our day.

I never expected to become true friends with women that I had never even met, but soon found soul mates among the dozens of screen-names and scanned photos. Years have passed since "Proud Young Mommies" began and, while I'm not active on that particular site anymore, I have remained in touch with several of those women. They were there for me through my divorce, through my first disasterous forays into dating, they were my should to cry on and my friendly face on a bad day. We add each other to any new social network we all join, we comment on pictures of our children as they grow, we keep in touch during the little moments in our lives and we are aware of all of those big moments as well.

Today, one of those women, a beautiful soul with four young children and a dedicated husband, has passed away from cancer. I didn't expect this news when I logged on today to check in with my friends for a few brief moments on my day off and see what was new in everyone lives. I should have been a little more prepared since she had been sick for some time, but I had decided to think only that she would get better and to not allow for another option in my mind. I turned away from the screen and cried after I read about it. Billiam, seeing my distress, came to find out what had transpired, put his arm around me, asked me only, "Who? And what can I do?. I started to explain to him that an online friend...I mean this girl I knew online ...and then all I could say was CHEVON because there was no need to explain how I knew her - I had simply known her. And for that, I'm grateful.